Letting Go

I’ve been a parent for a little over 4.5 months and I have to say it’s one of the most challenging, albeit rewarding, experiences I’ve ever had. I was lucky to be able to take seven weeks off earlier this spring to take care of her and watching J grow and change over those weeks was amazing, making itthat much harder to go back to work when it was over. Spending that much time with her I learned a number of things such as the sound she makes when she’s getting tired, the signs of hunger, and how to distract her when she’s throwing a fit. That last one saved me early on when she just wouldn’t stop crying and as a last resort I started clapping and it just mesmerized her to the point where the crying stopped and she stared at my hands. But of all the things I learned the most important was letting go.



When K was pregnant with J we consistently got two pieces of advice: 1. Get as much sleep as you can before the baby comes and 2. Go out to eat because it’ll be a while before you can again. We got lots of sleep and we ate out but here’s the thing, you can’t store sleep and we went out to eat not too long after she was born. I think the most useful advice anyone could have given us is to just let go. Let go of the idea that you’ll be getting a full night’s sleep because you won’t, at least not for a while, and you’ll be fine. Let go of spontaneity of your choosing because this pooping and crying creature has their own ideas. Like that last minute decision to take a little day trip up north that was interrupted because the baby wouldn’t stop crying for the first 20 minutes of the drive so you turned around. There will be spontaneity but that’ll be of the baby’s choosing. Let go of control. You don’t control how long your baby’s hair is going to stick up no matter how cute it is. Let go of things. That sleeper you bought because it’s so adorable, yup, she outgrew it in a week. Oh, and that favorite pair of jeans of yours, yeah she just pooped all over them when she blew out her diaper. Letting go of late night dinners out or going to concerts during the week. Letting go of some of the things you thought defined who you were before the baby.



But here’s the thing, you’re letting go of some things to welcome in the possibility of much more wonderful things. That TV show I would have watched is now replaced with trying to make my daughter laugh so hard she throws up, which I’ve done and resulted in me being equally proud and grossed out. The quiet time in the morning where I eat a bowl of cereal and catch up on the news has been replaced with singing made up songs to J. Those concerts at night, well let’s just say now I much prefer holding a sleeping baby than standing on my feet for hours as drunk people push by.



All of those things that I’m giving up now will come back slowly but as they do I’ll be letting go of other things…things that will be harder to let go of. That quiet in the morning will be because we just got home from taking her to school for the first time. The television show I’m watching will be because she’s out with friends or, heaven forbid, a date and finds them to be more interesting than she finds me to be. Spontaneous trips will be because she’s all grown up and out of the house at college or working on the other side of the country.



The more I think about it the more I realize the letting go never ends. Now excuse me while I go home, put some product in J’s hair to make it stick up again, and refuse to stop hugging her.

A Selfish Post

I wasn't planning on writing a post on the passing of my dear friend Kim Ricketts vowing to leave it to the much more capable and eloquent writers out there who would no doubt do a much better job than I ever could. I didn't know if I could write about the too soon passing of a friend again. It just isn't fair. We always say that with the passing of someone close to us to the point of cliche but rarely is it ever not true, especially with Kim.

But I had to write something and I will admit this is for very selfish reasons. When I look back on the time I got to spend with her it is filled with smiles and laughter. There were the stories and hugs we shared, the encouraging words about being a parent, how we planned to revamp the event series we worked on together, and the dishing. I would not trade any of the time I spent with her for anything, even the time when facilities screwed up and there weren't any chairs for our event and she gave me the look I'm sure her children are familiar with that just said, "Fix it."

It's not the time we spent together that makes me sad but rather the time we won't have. I know this is really selfish because there are three wonderful people out there who won't have another chance to hug their mom and husband who won't have another chance to hold his wife's hand. I know this but I'm going to be selfish for a moment and I hope you forgive me for that.

When Kim found out we were having a baby she was so excited for us. At one point I expressed some nervousness about being a parent and her response was, "You'll be great, just make sure to read to her." She missed our baby shower because she wasn't feeling well and was still going to doctors to try to figure out what was going on but the next time she saw me she greeted me with a big hug and a bigger stack of books.

She never got to meet Julia. I think that's one of the things that has made me so sad over the past week. When Julia was born Kim was in the same hospital but on a different floor. We were so tempted to find out what room Kim was in and bring the baby to her but we said we'll have lots of other chances to introduce Julia to her Auntie Kim. Over the next few months we were back at the hospital a number of times with Julia and I would often send Kim a message saying we were there and Julia says hi and can't wait to meet her. She would often tell me to give Julia a hug for her and once she got out of the hospital and was feeling better she couldn't wait to hold her.

There was never a doubt in our minds that there would be another day, a day when Kim would feel better and be able to hold the baby and read her a book. If we had known how little time we had we would have just said screw it and showed up at her hospital room door with the baby. Julia would have loved Kim, I have no doubt in my mind about that. I'm going to say it again, it just isn't fair. It's not fair that Julia has to grow up in a world without Kim Ricketts. It's not fair that she'll never get to hear Kim's voice or her laugh. It's not fair she'll never get an email from Kim where the subject line is used as the introductory sentences to her message. It's not fair she'll never get to hear Kim tell stories, especially the ones where she gets really animated (like the Marco Pierre White story).

I've gotten to experience all of that and I look back upon those things with joy and happiness. But Julia will never get to experience them. The sadness doesn't come from looking back at the time we had together but rather the time taken away from us and the things we won't get to do. Because Kim told me to, and you never want to disappoint her, we will read Julia lots of books and in doing so Kim will always be with us.

I know I'm not the only one that misses Kim and I'm being selfish but sometimes you just have to be selfish.

Oh, and cancer, if I ever run into you in a dark alley be warned I will kick you in the nuts you fucking asshole.

Three's Company

I thought I talked about poop a lot before but my perception of a lot changed a little over seven weeks ago. That's a lovely way to begin a post now isn't it? But seriously, if you have kids you totally know what I'm talking about. I'll just leave it at that for now but I reserve to right to revisit the topic later on.



It really boggles my mind that our daughter is seven weeks old already...it boggles my mind even more that I'm a father. I mean come on, have you met me or read the first paragraph? But you know what? I'm loving it. Every day with little J is an adventure and I can honestly say it's never boring. It's so much fun seeing how much she changes and how much her personality becomes apparent as each day passes. I can tell already this little girl is going to be trouble when she gets older.



She made us wait for her awesomeness though; there was a point where we weren't sure she was ever going to come out. We tried everything to cajole her to come out and by everything I mean anything that involved eating. I think that's where we went wrong because after our due date passed we decided to take advantage of the extra time and do date nights. We went out for spicy food twice after a number of people told us that was a reliable way to naturally induce. It didn't work. If anything it made her want to stay in there longer because she was enjoying all the food we were eating. After a while it was decided she either had to come out or start paying rent. Since she didn't have any monetary assets, as far as we could tell, she was evicted but not without putting up a fight first. After over 25 hours our little gigantor was born.



I won't lie to you, a lot of what you read about having a newborn makes it sound magical and easy but it isn't. Sure there's the lack of sleep that everyone talk about but that's not all. Don't get me wrong it's an amazing time that I will always cherish but it's hard. As hard as it might be for me I'm not the one that has to provide food for the little one and this kid likes to eat. If it wasn't for our friend Matthew Amster-Burton's book Hungry Monkey this whole child rearing thing would have been one big failed experiment and we'd be trying to trade the baby in for something easier to handle...like a unicycle with a flat tire.* So if you have a baby or are expecting a baby get his book. The first chapter on breastfeeding is worth the cost of the book because he tells you how hard breastfeeding really is in the beginning.

[* I don't actually condone trading your children for money or goods and we never considered giving our baby away to the gypsies. Of course that's not what we're going to tell her when she's being a pain in the ass as a teenager.]



As difficult as some of it has been we've been amazingly lucky to have such a wonderful support system made up of our friends here in Seattle and our families who took time out of their busy lives to come out and help. I gotta tell you, having friends that are chefs and amazing cooks come bring you food makes those sleepless nights a lot easier to take. It was also really nice having family stay with us when I went back to work. Knowing someone was at home making sure Kristen was being taken care of while she was busy with J made going back to work a little less painful. Of course it was, and is, still hard to have to leave Kristen and J in the morning. It seems like when I get home every evening J is so much bigger and much more active than when I left 11 hours earlier.



With all our family having gone home we're now on our own so it's up to us to figure out how to work, do laundry, wash the dishes, and occasionally pick up the house while wrangling a baby who doesn't really care what else we have to do. But it's okay because it's fun. Seriously. I know I said it's hard but it's the funnest hard thing you'll ever do. (Shut up Marc.) Plus, when else do you have the chance to laugh at someone else for having pooped all up their back?** Okay maybe college but chances are the person that does it in college is not nearly as cute as your baby and you definitely won't be offering to clean it up.

[** I told you I reserved the right to revisit this topic.]



P.S. Does anyone have tips for taming this kid's crazy hair?